No one wants to hear about my RL issues, about what's been worrying me, why I can't seem to get my head together and write something -- anyfreakingthing. Besides, my problems aren't much different, and really? Right now, my problems aren't unsurmountable. I've got a job. I can pay a bit off my bills each month, constantly whittling them down. I've got health insurance, dental, and eye care. I've got a relatively healthy son and I'm mending.

So my life isn't worth venting about.

But I have been at least thinking about writing, so I suppose that counts, right?

That means I'm getting my head back into the idea of expressing myself through the written word. . .

So that's a good thing, right?

Ah, it might be, if, since I have the computer to myself tonight, I actually could get past the words and self-editing I'm doing in my head. I think I've lost my touch. The truth is, I'm feeling really insecure about my ability to tell a story. And I suppose that's sad.

*sighs*

*Goes off to stare at the hand-written scenes*

ETA: Just moments after I posted this entry, I got the longest review I have ever received -- quite possibly it's long enough to be a chapter. So sometimes, when you ask the universe for affirmation, it comes. Silly me for doubting. Color me suitably chastised. And yes, Mimi, I heard you. Loud and clear.

Oh the summertime is coming
And the trees are sweetly blooming
And the wild mountain thyme
Grows around the blooming heather
Will ye go, Lassie go?
Chorus
And we'll all go together
To pluck wild mountain thyme
All around the blooming heather
Will ye go, Lassie go?

I will build my love a tower
Near yon' pure crystal fountain
And on it I will build
All the flowers of the mountain
Will ye go, Lassie go?

If my true love she were gone
I would surely find another
Where wild mountain thyme
Grows around the blooming heather
Will ye go, Lassie go?

And yet another voice from my childhood is stilled. There are some things one never really expects, like the passing of an era, or the death of an icon. But, they are human, like us mere mortals. They live, they breathe, leave their mark upon the stage and then pass into the ether, leaving behind their achievements.

The last of the Clancy Brothers, Liam, died quietly on Friday. And just as his musical partners, Tommy Makem and his brothers, he left an indelible mark upon the Irish, both abroad and home in Ireland. His voice, along with Makem's was the voice of my childhood, are some of the earliest songs I remember singing.

God rest you well, Liam Clancy.

www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/music/2009/12/06/2009-12-06_clancy_irish_folk_giant.html

I'm trying to get some of these stories finished, so that I can go back to obscurity and fade into the woodwork again, and no one will wonder when, or if, I'm writing anymore.

My job is draining my creativity to a standstill. I'm nearly all tapped out, inspiration-wise. There are a few people I still read, and fewer still that can provide inspiration for me to write.

Maybe I miss all the talks Addie and I used to have, thrashing out ideas for stories. Or maybe I miss Spikeslovebite -- my incomparable beta Tam -- gifting her with the scenes as I was writing them (and she was editing).

I don't know. I miss having the immediate sounding boards. Maybe I'm not getting the kind of feedback I used to, from my stories. Which is partially my fault because I don't update the way I should. I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired.

Maybe this was all I was ever meant for, writing fairly decent (and long) fanfiction.

Maybe I'm just feeling a little defeated.

I don't know. But whatever it is I'm feeling, it's not helping.

I'm all tapped out. And I think, unless I get some inspiration from somewhere, that I'm hanging up the pen and just letting it go.

the fact I didn't post Origins or any permutation thereof, I'm giving a little teaser.

Spoilers ahead!!! Be wary.

( Read more... )


and another!!!

( Read more... )

So, can I assume I've been forgiven for not posting Resolutions?

I've got a chapter of Safe In My Own Skin that's all ready to go, but I can't decide on the lyrics or poem I want to use. . . although I've narrowed it down somewhat.

The next chapter of Jungle is just about ready, though I don't have lyrics or poem to go with it.

And I might, just might have a chapter of Resolutions to be posted. I think. I'm not sure. I have to check to see if it's been betaed. But if it has, there's no lyrics, poems, and/or quotes ready to go with that.

So. Does anyone care which gets posted?

Any opinions at all?

Had to be, no lie, one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time. My 15-year old offspring is being difficult -- as in staying up all night and not going to school the next day -- and work was, in a word, work.

I worked lots of overtime, was stressed about damn near everything, from last minute big projects to setting up press conferences (ah, no, attorneys and their staffs do not normally set up press conferences) to trying to fix 3 other departments' issues (and yeah, they had to be done by me -- who else is there?). I had had enough by Tuesday, much less making it another 3 days.

Damn near had a nervous breakdown on Friday morning, when the latest crisis was, yet again, mine to deal with. But I persevered, and managed to get my offspring to his pediatrician to see if they could help. . . at least with the lack of sleeping (his, not mine).

So imagine my total surprise when I got to work yesterday and found a beautiful flower and live plant arrrangement on my desk. Imagine my total surprise when it was revealed that they were from on of our new outside consultants -- a man everyone is intimidated by -- delivered them to me personally on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, I wasn't there to get them, because I'd left a bit early.

The entire Village is stunned. First off, my fellow employees are all scared of this man, and secondly those "in the know" were of the impression that he'd done something wrong and this was his way of an apology. I have a reputation of being rather, er, hum, ah, bitchy? is about the nicest -- no, perhaps formidable is a better word. Eh, I'm not sure, but everyone knows I don't take shit from anyone. And I don't care what elected office you hold. If said elected official is being stupid, I generally have no qualms about telling said elected official. And usually in rather descriptive terms.

An-y-way. . . so yeah, flowers.

Color me impressed.

Gives me faith that there's good to be found in just about everyone. Even if I think the guy should be cast as Governor Tarkin's right hand man.


Oh, yeah.

I just got 3 chapters of Jungle back from Tam, and another of Resolutions and Safe in my own Skin. So look for something either today (much later) or tomorrow (which is more likely, since I haven't done the quote search yet).

Am beat.

Why?

Because like an idiot, when the boss asked if I could work late, I said, "No problem." And he laughed and said, "You usually do anyway."

Ahuh.

I worked 7 -- yes, I said 7 -- hours OT tonight.

That is all.

And a strangled gurgle, I sit here, home from work.

One of the guys I work with, a man not known for his cleanliness and hygenie, came to work yesterday feeling a bit under the weather. So my boss, after a meeting with this guy, sprays lysol throughout the office.

I am highly allergic to lysol.

I asked him nicely, when I could talk again, not to do that anymore, because my throat tends to close when lysol is being used.

After a second meeting with the sickly gentleman, my boss sprays again.

And then someone else comes into the office and sprays.

By this time, I can't really talk and my voice is going south. Knowing I have nothing on hand to help, I grab some hard candy and use that, hoping to slow down the process. (Since my car is dead, I have to rely on rides and my ride wasn't available).

The night janitor comes in, and sprays the office.

Okay, I understand that people are worried about H1N1 and other forms of flu. I do understand that. But people, let me advise you, flu can be prevented with WASHING YOUR FUCKING HANDS and STAYING HOME WHEN YOU ARE SICK. And various and sundry other things.

Anaphylaxis? CANNOT BE PREVENTED except by AVOIDING THE PROBLEM.

Spray cleaners are a known trigger for allergic reactions. They can be deadly. They can send one to hospital for hours of treatment. They can trigger other problems, such as chronic bronchitis and/or pneumonia.

I should know, I've had all of those problems arise from inhaling lysol, bathroom cleaners, and other supposedly "good for you products". Okay, I haven't died obviously, but I've been damn close from anaphylactic shock.

So last night, I wasn't a happy camper. Thank the gods I have a nebulizer, and a prescription for albuterol, in addition to being able to get my hands on enough benadryl to knock out a Clydesdale. Four -- yup, I wrote four -- benadryls later, and three nebulizer treatments, I can finally breathe better.

Oh, yeah, I didn't go to work. When I called in sick this morning, my lovely new co-worker (and there's no sarcasm there, she really is lovely) informed me that she was going to have all the spray cleaners removed from the building. Which, I admit, is a bit extreme, but when people don't listen or don't care about someone else's reaction to the pollutant, then, well, that shit has to go.

I still feel like shit, which is a side-effect of all that. I'm wheezing like a stovepipe, can't get a deep breath and I can feel how heavy my lungs are.

And honestly? I'm still a little pissed off that no one was listening when I told them the shit was causing my throat to close. Just because I know how to calm myself and focus my breathing doesn't mean I'm okay. I've had years of practice in controlling my panic and breathing. It doesn't make it any easier. And doesn't make it any less scary when it's happening.

I need a nap.

Yup, that's the order of the day. I've had the computer to myself for most of the day -- and what have I got to show for it? Um. Hmm. Well. See, that's just it. I edited the next chapter of Resolutions, and fiddled with a couple of chapters of Jungle. Stared at my new banners for Safe in my own Skin (see previous post) and generally done not much more than stared at the screen and played solitaire. Oh, yeah, I read up on a couple of things, but for the most part?

I've done nothing but procrastinate.

Maybe it's because they're all approaching the end and I hate ending stories. Maybe because my job is driving me round the bend and then some. Or maybe because I'm just lazy and can't get my shit together. Whatever the cause, I can't get a decent work printed on the freaking screen.

This sucks.

Look at this gorgeous banner dawnofme made for me -- Isn't it just gorgeous?

I can't focus my eyes. They just won't work. Can't see much of anything, except blurry colors. And that's with the damn contact lenses. This morning it took longer than it usually does. Like almost 45 minutes before I could get to the point where I could read anything. Well, before I could even see anything smaller than the monitor.

Oh well, but hey, at least I can still read, right?

So I'm watching television and looking out for the promos for CSI, coz, ya know, even though Mr. Peterson is gone, I still love the damn show. And whoa. Guess who's song is being used for the promo???

C'mon, guess.

Seriously.

Guess.

And no, Gabi, you can't give it away. Neither can you Bran.

I feel crappy. My head is ready to burst and my nose is stuffed, won't stop running and, I generally feel like I've been pressed through the wringer. Woke up chilly and haven't gotten warm since.

I'm only back at work 3 days and I'm supposed to go in today, only I feel yucky. I'm only working half days anyway. . .

So now I'm debating about going in at all. Though I know I'm too stupid to stay home.

This sucks

This article is about my cousin.

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/homepage/20090911_A_9_11_family_remembers.html?page=1&c=y

so freaking difficult to write fight scenes??????

Gah. I agonize over every step, every move. I hate choreography. Especially fight scenes.

*whines*

Were finished.

I know, I'm slightly guilty of this myself -- since I have a couple of WIPs that haven't yet been finished, but I'm working on them. I swear it. I've sent quite a few chapters of one off to my beta for Welcome to the Jungle, and am waiting to get them back. I've got another chapter of Safe (or maybe a chapter and a half, depends on what my beta thinks) that could be ready and a chapter and a half of Resolutions ready also. So I'm not slacking.

But I have been reading. And some of my old favorites. Stories that were being written while the show was still on the air (some of them) and stories that have lasted with me for all this time.

If none of you've read it, this series -- by Kimi -- Voices is wonderful.

Alternate Season 7, just another take on what could happen after Spike returns from Africa with his soul. I love the wit, the visuals, the OCs, the reality of it, the writing, the feel of it is really good. Unfortunately, it isn't finished. And it's been languishing for a while, so I don't know if it'll ever be finished. But you know, I don't care. I still love it.

For any of you that haven't read it, here's a link for the first story in the Voicesverse.

http://dark-solace.org/elysian/viewstory.php?sid=1077

Absolutely worth the read -- and the stories that follow.

Sometimes I pretend that I know where she's going with this -- and I won't give any spoilers -- but sometimes I don't know. And who knows how long it could continue, given the parameters of this story? Not I.

But mostly? I'm just grateful that she wrote this, shared this vision of one possible way things could have played out on the hellmouth.

And me? I could, even though I just finished the 43rd read-thru, go back and start it again.


Oh yeah, I am working on my chapter for Heart ov gold -- and am nearly done. And then I'm gonna tackle more of Resolutions.

I haven't felt much like writing in a long time, though I've been pushing through the block and really, I'm not sure how much of a block it really is, since the only really internal "block" has been the lack of feeling up to much of anything but sleeping; but yesterday and even moreso today, I've actully felt up to the task of putting pen to paper and progressing story lines. I'm not, however, going to push myself today and maybe not even tomorrow. But come Monday, I'm going to get back on track and work for at least a couple of hours a day. With some luck, once I'm back in the rhythm of it, plot lines and scenes will just come to me, without me having to really push for them.

On sort of the same note, I've been reading. Some stuff that I haven't read ever, and some older stuff that I could read over and over and over again. I've noticed something though, that bothers me a little. And while I realize that commenting on this is about to open me up for some criticism, well, frankly, I'm not sure I can muster up enough energy to care. Or that my little opinion will take on the trappings of a kerfluffle. Anyway, something I've noticed that kind of bothers me a little -- is that some (not all, mind you) of the English writers don't bother to get Buffy's character or accent right. They ignore the fact that she wouldn't ever use certain words or phrases and just plow ahead, writing her as if she were a teenaged girl who grew up in England. I know I'm not the best one to complain, since I know my Buffy-voice isn't the strongest in the world, but how come it's okay for English writers to get on Americans when Spike isn't completely up to snuff, but when they get Buffy wrong, no one complains?

Why is that?

I know I try really hard to keep my characters as close to canon as possible -- given the contraints of my story lines and how I'm progressing them, but I don't always get it right. I know I don't. I can feel it when I don't. So how come some of my fellow Spuffy writers don't? Don't they realize they're writing the characters so OOC that they might as well be writing something else? I get with AUs, especially human ones, but for the love of Mike, when writing canon isn't it imperative that you get the voices as close to canon as possible?

There are certain givens, in the Buffyverse -- and shouldn't those be . . . . never mind. I'm ranting, and I just feel the need to get it out, but I'm not going to drag this into a huge debate, coz, I honestly don't have the energy for it.

These are just my opinions, folks, so really no need to get your knickers all twisted and tied up in knots. Feel free to ignore me and move along, since it hardly matters anyway.

I am home. Surgery went well, nasty rotten gall bladder is all gone. I feel like crap, though. My belly is all sore and achy, but hey, they did the laproscopy, so no huge gaping holes only itty-bitty small ones. Got some nice drugs (oxycodone and percosets) and some others, so I'll be nicely fuzzy for a couple of days.

Got some drug-induced ideas for stories, but don't know if I'll actually be writing them. We'll see what happens next week, when I'm able to sit for longer periods of time.

Right now, I'm gonna go watch re-runs of Criminal Minds and Leverage and then try and stay awake long enough to watch Dark Blue.

Thanks for all the good wishes because I really think they worked. Much appreciated.

Scratch that -- the King and I is on. I'm gonna watch that.